This Whole Shagging Thing

My friend and I went to see a movie at The Palms a few weeks back. We watched ‘The Last Air Bender’ or something like that. My friend found the movie so boring, she asked me to wake her up when it was over, and for good measure, put her big head on my shoulder and promptly went to sleep. I felt the movie was tacky too, but I stayed awake, reminding myself that the ticket cost N1500, the cost of six 20-in-1 DVDs at Ojuelegba under bridge :)

After the torture, we headed for the car park, swearing to always watch previews before going to see any movie. Parked directly opposite our car was this really huge SUV. It made what we drove look like a key holder, lol. That’s beside the point anyway. Point is, in the car with his back turned to us, was a guy and a chic, em, shagging right under the harsh glare of security lights and making really weird noises. I looked at my friend, she looked at me and we both looked at the machine in front of us. ‘Babe, is this what I think it is?’ I asked truly stunned. ‘Yup’, she replied without missing a beat. I stood there for like a full minute before realising I was staring. As we drove off, the most amazing thing happened-the chic got up and waved at us. My friend waved back, laughing hysterically. I was too stunned to speak. I kept muttering, ‘She waved at us, she actually waved at us. Can you imagine?’

As if that wasn’t enough, the very next day, I went for some exhibition on the Island with another friend. The clothes were frigging expensive so we just looked around and praised the designer and ate his small chops and drank Chapman and collected his card and left knowing we were never going to call. To end a lovely evening, my friend and I, with some friends of hers, decided to do chicken @ KFC. We got there, placed our order and sat. There was just one guy among like, 6 of us.

Now there’s something you must know about me and KFC. I go there to do Ice cream. There’s this cone Ice cream they sell called soft twirl; it tastes like paradise and wait for this-it’s a hundred bucks. Since my friend shared the good news with me, I look for every reason to take that route so I can get some. I mean its N100, how cool is that? Oya, go ahead and say it, I like awoof abi? Who doesn’t, lol

While the girls chattered about everything worth chattering about, I kept quiet and ate my Ice cream and then out of the blues one of the girls said, ‘ Bosun*, when was the last time you had sex?’ I paused, mid-swallow, to listen; I mean these were very young girls, single and fly and uninhibited.

Bosun laughed and went on to diss the whole ‘guy-girl relationship’ thingy; she felt it was over-rated. As far as she was concerned, if you feel like shagging just tell the guy you fancy, shag and move on. All the ‘You remind me of summer’s breeze' and the ‘ Just called to check on you, hope you got home safe’ is just plain annoying, and she was very passionate about what she was saying. The lone guy looked lost in our midst and once again, yours truly was shocked. I stood up and went for another serving of ice cream.

When I got back the conversation had shifted to Aristos and how to stay protected on the job. At that point I begged to be allowed to go home.

On my way back I couldn’t help but wonder. Have we (I’m talking to the ladies now) gotten to the point where we can walk up to a guy and tell him ‘I want to shag’, do the deed while reading OK Magazine, and move on like nothing happened? Do we now have sex on the go, like ATM banking? Are women wired to be that detached? Is this what sex has come to? Like dogs and Sheep, we stand by the roadside and shag? We are called mammals and our siblings in the bush animals for a reason-The ability to exercise restraint and use our number six. Ok make that two reasons lol.

I hear that for guys, sex is a physical activity like playing football or washing plates, for ladies it is not. So when ladies begin to talk about one night stands and sex for the sake of sex, I get very scared. Even within the context of relationships, we use love and sex interchangeably. Very few of us bother to note the difference.

A friend of mine was in a dilemma of some sort. Hot, well-to-do young man I must say. He wanted to settle down and had two ladies in mind. He was having a hard time deciding and he called me. I asked him a very simple question, ‘who do you love more?’ He said both of them.  I asked him to describe what he loved about both of them. He did. For the first lady, he described her assets-boobs, backside, dentition, hips, you name it. For the second, he did talk about her physical attributes some, but said stuff like ‘She’s very forgiving, I feel at home with her, bla the bla. And I asked him to project like 40 years into the future, ‘When lady 1 loses a breast and has to wear partial dentures (God forbid) what will become of both of you? Silence ... My point exactly!  For the 1st lady his love was clearly a physical thing for the other it was more than that. Funny enough, he was seeing both of them, sleeping with the first and not with the second.

We have gotten to the point where we handle relationships like banking transactions. You’re not happy, you change banks. If the transaction doesn’t favour you, you walk out. It’s no wonder chics are catching their husbands with maids, other guys, best friends, and walking out of the marriage before the wedding cake is finished. When the foundation is faulty, it’s only a matter of time before the building crumbles. Before things degenerate any further, let’s retrieve the values yeah?

Everybody’s doing it; it’s not a big deal. Who hasn't ever had some form of sex in a car? Everybody does it. Virgin Mary, you don’t want to shag before marriage? Newsflash:  your type has been extinct since the 16th century. Really! Well guess what, I was with everybody a few days back and he’s very livid at being accused so wrongly. He said it’s a big deal because EVERYBODY is not doing it and he thinks it’s unfair to use him as a justification to do anything; it’s your life not his.

I’m not talking about abstinence or safe sex; I’ll leave that to NACA. I’m talking about self respect and a healthy perception of who you really are. I’ve always been a person driven by conviction; so the ‘Everybody is doing it‘ syndrome never really swayed me. What I’m trying to say is this-You should have a set of values that govern how you live. Especially because sometimes there’s no one around to tell you-this is the way, walk in it. It is what will keep you grounded when no one is looking and when everything around you suggests it is alright to do it. It’s just being true to you and knowing what you can and cannot do, irrespective of what Everybody says.

For a lady to be alright with sex for its sake tells me her sense of self worth is very warped. Babe, you are not Mary Kay or MAC eye shadow that comes with testers. You are WOMAN: Delicate, intelligent, hardworking.  Behind the DD cup and Beyonce sized bom-bom is a charming, humorous and loving personality. You are the main product not a sample. It’s either the customer is buying the package or he’s not. You are meant to be loved, protected and provided for, not looking for affection wherever and however you can get it, even if it’s just a 10 minute quickie.

Get to know him before giving yourself away, you owe you that much. Sometimes behind a charming facade can be a horribly unforgiving person. If you don’t wanna shag, don’t. If you want to, let it be because you want to, so when the cookie starts to crumble, you don’t point fingers at poor Everybody.

And if you really want to remain celibate but can’t help the raging hormones, for God’s sake get a chastity belt :). Besides, 'Everybody’s doing it' has become a pretty lame excuse don’t you think?

*Bosun's not her real name.

©Naomi Lucas

The Speck In My Eye

I’ve been doing a lot of introspection lately. Yeah I know its April but haven’t you heard of quarter 2 resolutions? Dry joke, I know, but point is, for some reason I began to think about my life for the second time in 6 months. Well, technically I do every day but you get my drift.

I had unconsciously wrapped my life or at least most part of it, around work, it became a perfect triangle-work-home-church. And then thinking back now I can say thankfully, work just wasn’t working for me like it used to. I began to ask myself- Who am I? What was it that no one else could do that made God send me down for God’s sake? (pun intended) Why the intensity of challenges and animosity from the most unexpected quarters? Why does it look like everyone else seems to be making progress in leaps and bounds? Not like I wasn’t, I just felt like I was crawling while others were whizzing past in Formula 1 cars. My feelings swung from sadness to faith to dissatisfaction to counting my blessings and naming them one by one, and the cycle began again. I also became unduly conscious of what was going on within my immediate and not so immediate surroundings. She won the pageant? (in my head I’m thinking, gosh she’s 3 years younger than me) He just got back from Greece? (Where did he get the money to travel? His mum sells yellow garri down the street) She just bought an SUV (Ah ah, last time I checked she was a MAKEUP ARTISTE! Na wa oh). Thelma has called Bisi three times this week? (To think we were really close before she left Nigeria).

Before you drag me to the gallows, I believe that in some way I just described you or some part of you. The part you don’t talk about and hope nobody notices. The ‘why them and not me’ syndrome? That part that wishes all the good things were happening to you while others stand by and watch. At the very extreme of this behaviour is the pull-others-down syndrome. A situation where you deny that anything good is happening or has happened to people within your sphere of influence, or totally discredit their achievements to yahoo-yahoo, drug pushing, rituals and Aso-rock connections, you can extend the list. lol

But thank God for grace and the ability to look you in the mirror and tell yourself the truth. It’s critical for you to do this; you may not be blessed with friends sincere enough to want to see you grow. Some of them gladly let you be, hoping you’ll self-destruct. I came to the realisation that the grass will always seem greener on the other side; but it isn’t. The beginning of contentment is when you accept that in this race called life, there are those who will always be behind you, and those who will always be ahead of you, and you will do yourself a whole lot of good if you stop working with other people’s wristwatches. We are all keeping different appointments and rarely ever end up at the same bus stop.

There are a lot of things in life we can’t control or change. For instance, your family. If we could, i’ll have 10 siblings. Obama, Oprah, Warren Buffet, Ben Carson, Donald Trump, Ted Dekker, John Legend, Gamaliel Onosode, Deola Sagoe, and Lanre Olusola. But then, I have to make do with what I have; sorry Debbie, Sam, I love you guys to death. However, there are a lot of things we can control. For Instance, our response to people and circumstances. And based on this fact, I have drawn up my new nearly-mid-year resolutions:

1. To stop looking around- I will go farther faster if I stop checking how far everyone else has gone. Imagine an athlete looking back during a hurdle race to check the distance between him and other athletes. Igbobi straight.

2. To sincerely count my blessings and name them one by one- The sister-in law that has taught you the true meaning of patience? Yes that one too.

3. To make a conscious effort to be happy- Stop reading the dailies, they just depress you.

4. To stop waiting for my friends to call and start calling- It takes two to tango. If Thelma called, maybe it’s because Bisi flashed.

5. To draw closer to my maker-After Haiti and the guy wrapped in grenade diapers, you still think the world isn’t coming to an end?
6. To be a better person-Say thank you, I’m sorry, excuse me, nice to meet you, you know, the whole works and to be less critical of myself and others. Critical contains the same letters as calories (April fool, lol)

7. To work harder at my relationship-You know guys are big babies. So call him at work, ask after his boss, colleagues,, if he brushed his teeth before leaving for the office and when next he’s taking you to dinner, you know, nice stuff like that.

8. Have fun as often as I can-Once the kids start coming, fun will be PTA meetings, inter-house sports and immunization appointments. Dear Lord!

9. Cut those green horns before they even appear-Be genuinely happy when my friends achieve stuff. If I’m not the king at least I’m glad to be in the kingdom.

10. To stop procrastinating and follow my heart-When I come, see and conquer, then we can all celebrate bumper to bumper.

Naomi Lucas

Mama

It's one of those days again. The sky is grey; I see no silver lining. Like the Ostrich, I just want to bury my head in the sand and wish all my problems away. Sometimes when life becomes too stressful I wish for happier, carefree times or I just go down memory lane and stay there; for a bit.

I was just seven, but I remember like it was yesterday. You came back every night from your restaurant with a bowl of fresh fish pepper-soup. Oh! that pepper-soup; we could eat anything with it-rice, eba, bread, just name it.

You always made me eat all my food before my meat , like the meat was the prize for eating the food? I'm all grown now, so I eat my meat with my food and I leave nothing on the plate. So I'm thinking, was all that protocol really necessary?

I'll never forget the way you used to whoop my behind. God! I always wondered if you were my real mother. I guess I have you to thank for my big backside; not like I mind oh, I never really felt the pain of all the flogging in primary school. lol.

I miss going home for Christmas. I loved the train rides and the smell of Navy rations and the never ending landscape and the tu-tu-tu-tu sound of the train. I miss Nnenne's Christmas special-Rice and stew and Paw-Paw; Aw, com'on, who am I kidding? I've always wanted to ask, whose bright idea was that, yours or Nnenne's? Ew!

I remember our trips to Iyu Ukwu, the smell of Udala thick in the air. I always marvelled at those young men in the cement bath, wearing rain boots and crushing palm kernel to extract the oil.

We would sit on Nnenne's recliner, Chinasa and I, and watch as those scary masquerades marched past; Ekpo, you used to call them. Sometimes we watched from Onochie's balcony. We were always so scared Chinasa peed in her pants twice. Thinking back now, I wonder why we didn't just look away?

I feel very proud every time dad says I remind him of you. You should see me now, I'm tall just like you and Sophia says I have your hips, is that so? I'm fairer than you were though, I guess I got more of Nnenne's genes than you did.

I have a feeling you'll be happy to know dad never remarried. He blames himself till this day that he wasn't there when you needed him the most. He still swears that if he had been around, you would have made it.

Every mother's day I remember you. As people all over the world say all sort of nice stuff about their mums, I feel so bad cos I can't tell you same. I wish you had spilled the Abacha and Ugba or gotten home to find out it had gone sour. But then how could we have known? You ate it all up. if only there had been someone, anyone who could drive... I was only seven and Sophia was too scared to think. If only they didn't make you wait in the emergency unit...Sophia says you fought and held on for over 5 hours but by the time help came, the poison had completely ravaged your system.

Mgbafo died two months after you did. Dad says she confessed and asked for forgiveness. You always were stubborn so I'm thinking- did you like haunt her until she drove her car off the cliff? I really won't put it past you mama, I remember no one messed with you back then. It'll be really funny if you took your no-nonsense right into the spirit world.

Every time I look at the sky, I remember the story you told me about the man who broke firewood on sunday and God got so angry he turned him into that dark image embedded in the moon-his axe still poised for a strike. I believed every word you said like it was the book of Moses. So you were lying to me back then ehn? It never occurred to me that you could lie? lol. But it's alright, I get the moral of the story-I should always go to church on sunday or God will turn me into a pillar of...whatever.

You know all those out-of--this-world stories you told and the books you made me read has kind of paid off? I don't have my own book yet, but i write notes and put it on this really cool site called facebook. I know during your time it was hand written love letters and telegraphs and stuff, but now we have mobile phones and internet like you won't believe. People from all over the world read my notes and say nice things. Now I'm kind of like a mini superstar...stop laughing, I'm serious mama!

Now I'm dating this very nice guy, he has his scroin scroin, but he has a good heart and he can handle me; you know I can be a handful? I was told I got that from you, lol.

I'll be getting married soon and I'm really scared. Most of my married friends are either filing for divorce or are about to do so. Just this evening, a friend of mine lost her friend. She was beaten to death by her husband. What is it about exchanging vows that make the best of friends become sworn enemies?

I've been very strong mama. I've tried to be a good example for Chinasa; but sometimes I don't want to be strong. I just want to hug you and cry and tell you stuff I know I can't talk to dad about...you know? I guess we can't have everything we want.

It was after you left that Aunty Aba told me a bit of your history. She said Alvan Ikoku is my great grand uncle? I see the resemblance, I kinda have his nose, hahaha. I was so excited I almost changed my surname. I mean, how many people have their uncles, great or grand or both on naira notes? I knew I had some blue chip blood, lol. Don't worry, I'll explain Blue chip the next time we talk.

I'm looking at the sky again, but this time, I'm wondering which star is you. Ah...I see you, you just winked at me!

and just in case you were wondering, lol means Laughing Out Loud. It's a slang we use when we really think we are funny or when we desperately want to convince the person at the other end that they are, lol.

I miss you bad. I know I've said it a lot of times, but I wanna say it again today.

I'm feeling kinda sleepy so I have to go mama.

Nyt nyt.

Oh yeah, I forgot-Stars don't sleep.  

©Naomi Lucas